John has caught a bad bug this week and had to go see the doctor. It looks like the news wasn’t good! 

So…Show 17 will not be posted today…but WILL be posted Monday Nov. 21st.

John makes his first foray into the lucrative world of children’s literature. We think you’ll agree that Little Willie is sure to replace the gaping hole that Harry Potter left in it. Feel free to read this short story to your five or six year old…just credit John as the author…thank you.

HOW LITTLE WILLIE BECAME

BIG LITTLE WILLIE

  by
John London

For the first ten years of his life, he was simply known as Little Willie.  Little Willie just hated that name…well, the first half of it anyway. But what was he supposed to do? It was 1865 and steroids wouldn’t be invented for another hundred years, and one thing Little Willie had learned was if you couldn’t change something then just deal with it head on. Didn’t mean he had to like it, though.

Little Willie hated having to sit on the family Bible at the supper table just so he could get his mouth up over the soup bowl. He hated that, even though he was ten, he was still wearing the clothes his brother Obadiah had worn at six. He hated the fact that his eight year old sister Ruth had hands bigger than his.  And he really hated that every time he fired his rifle the kick-back would knock him down onto the seat of his breeches. But what he hated most of all was that his brothers (all nine of them), and sometimes even his Pa laughed at him when he got knocked down onto the seat of his breeches. Now, they didn’t do it in a mean-spirited way they just laughed because it was funny, and besides, they always helped him back onto his feet. 

Regardless, the last time they had laughed Little Willie had decided it would be the last time they would ever laugh at him, and he put away his rifle for good.  Now that caused a sort of dilemma for Little Willie. He really enjoyed hunting with his brothers and father and when you lived in Montana in the 1860s everyone hunted. It was practically the only way a family could have meat for supper. But mainly, it was just plain fun to be out with your brothers and Pa tracking deer through the great outdoors. So, what was Little Willie to do? Stay home with the women and loose arm wrestling matches to his eight year old sister?  Not hardly!

Little Willie had a plan, and the first part was sneaking out a big slice of his Aunt’s rhubarb pie and taking it over to Old Doc Dickery’s house. Old Doc Dickery had been a surgeon until his eyesight had gotten so bad that he was taking off too many right legs when he was supposed to be taking off left ones. But after Old Doc Dickery had lost his medical license in Philadelphia, he had come to Montana and had quickly earned the reputation as the best field dresser in the state. And now you know why Little Willie wanted to talk to Old Doc Dickery, and Old Doc Dickery did his best talking when he was eating a big slice of pie!

 Little Willie had done enough hunting to know that the hardest part was preparing the animal properly for eating, and that’s called field dressing. It only stood to reason that a former doctor would be good at it, and Little Willie wanted to learn how to do it, too.

As it turned out, Old Doc Dickery was more than happy to pass on all his experience to an eager young student. Little Willie was a very good student, and before long Little Willie had become the second best field dresser in all of Montana! All of his brothers just loved to take Little Willie hunting because before you could say “lickity-split” Little Willie had that dead deer ready to be taken home and eaten.

One day his oldest brother Ezekiel had come home from the war. He hadn’t seen Little Willie in almost five years, and the first thing Ezekiel said was, “Why, Little Willie, I don’t believe you’ve even growed a half inch in five years!”

 Oh, that made Little Willie mad, but his second oldest brother Lamentations (his parents had thought that was the name of a prophet) said, “Zeke, why don’t you take Little Willie hunting?” He knew that Zeke didn’t know that Little Willie had become the second best field dresser in all of Montana, and Lamentations thought it would be a big surprise when Zeke found that out.

So off they went, Little Willie and Zeke tramping through the snow together looking for deer. “Where’s your rifle, Little Willie?” Zeke asked. “You shoot.  I’ll field
dress,” Little Willie told him.

This made Zeke laugh. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, Little Willie.”

“I guess the war didn’t make you no smarter then. Over there.”

Sure enough, there was a big female deer drinking by a stream. It only took Zeke a single shot to humanely kill the animal, and he turned to Little Willie, “You sure you don’t want me to dress it, Little Willie?”

“No, I want it done right.”

“Well, yes sir, Mr. Little Willie. I’ll just watch and maybe I’ll even learn a thing or two!” Zeke’s laugh said he didn’t really believe that, and that made Little Willie even madder.

After they propped the deer on its back, Little Willie took out an eight inch Whitetail Skinner knife that the Old Doc had sharpened to surgical standards and started to make an incision just above the deer’s vagina.

“Aren’t you gonna slit its throat first?”  Zeke asked.

“No, you stupid idiot, it’ll bleed out naturally if you dress it right.” Little Willie continued cutting all the way from the genitals up to the sternum. He was careful not to cut too deeply, just through the hide and muscle. Then he carefully cut around both sides of the udder and removed it. Then he cut a perfect circle around the animal’s anus and tied off the open end of the rectum with some string.

“Why you doin’ that, Little Willie?”

“Because I don’t want what it just ate oozin’ onto what we’re gonna eat.”

“Oh.”

Next, it was onto the urinary bladder. This was the tricky part and Little Willie went real slow.

“Why don’t you just yank that part out, Little Willie?”

“Because it’s full of pee, and if that pee gets on the meat it can make us sick.”

“I didn’t know that,” Zeke said.

“I know you didn’t, ‘cause you did it once and that’s why Ma died.”

Zeke turned white as a sheet and said, “I killed Ma?”

“Yep, Pa didn’t want you to know, but I thought you should.”

This was a lie, of course, as their Ma had died of consumption, but Zeke had laughed at Little Willie and Little Willie wanted to get even.

Zeke didn’t have much to say after that, and Little Willie finished dressing the deer by rolling out its intestines and removing the stomach and lungs and such. When he was done the two dragged the animal back home in silence.

After the family had enjoyed a big pot of venison stew, and they had all gone to bed, Zeke went out into the barn and had a very serious accident with his rifle. They buried him the next day…after Little Willie had embalmed him.

At the wake everyone was calling Little Willie the second best field dresser in all of Montana. They were trying to take his mind off his brother’s suicide, but that made Little Willie mad, too. He didn’t like being second best at anything. 

But that very next week, Little Willie became the best field dresser in all of Montana when Old Doc Dickery killed over at his supper table, dead as a door nail. He didn’t even get to finish his big slice of rhubarb pie that Little Willie had brought him. It was the 1860s and they didn’t have steroids and they didn’t have forensic labs either.

And that’s how Little Willie became Big Little Willie. He had become the best field dresser in all of Montana because he had worked real hard at it, and he didn’t take being little as an excuse for failure.

It’s only natural to assume that you might have some questions concerning my excursion—or intrusion—into the world of podcasting. In this section I will attempt to anticipate those questions. I can’t call it a true FAQ section, as you have not frequently asked them yet. They are, in fact, theoretically asked questions, but I’ve tried very hard to foresee questions from a broad range of potential podcast consumers, from the highly intelligent (you) to the unbelievably ignorant, unwashed human flotsam (not you…the guy that was just here).

John, what is the purpose of your podcast?

A fair question and it is one that I cover in the first podcast. Essentially, the answer is that every single person I know is sick to death of my opinions and takes to the point that they avoid me and, in some cases, have blocked my number from their phones. I need new ears…and yours will do.

How Much?

How much? You mean how much time do I devote to each podcast? Well, that varies from podcast to pod-

No, how much do they cost?

Oh, I see, straight to the bottom line. Well, given the enormous amount of time a venture of this sort demands, the cost of the startup, and the ongoing maintenance, I was hoping to get a quarter for each one. Current market indicators, however, suggest that I reduce that fee by twenty-five cents. So, NOTHING…each and every podcast is ABSOLUTELY FREE.

Nothing is free.

My podcasts are.

Okay, maybe they’re free of charge, but are they free of bacteria and viruses?

Each podcast is triple washed and ready to use. Sadly, most commercially consumed podcasts carry contagions and virulent strains of bacteria that have caused permanent injury and, in a few cases, even death. I insert each podcast into my own head before I ask you to insert them into yours.

How do I get your podcasts into my head?

Through your ear holes. I wish there were more options, but current technology does not offer any other method. However, as unpleasant as cramming an entire podcast into your ear holes sounds, my podcasts will slide gently into your ear openings with minimal discomfort. I have tapered the ends of my podcasts for your enjoyment and ease.

I’m deaf, John.

I’m sorry to hear that…no pun was intended there. But you can still download my podcasts. They sparkle when the light hits them just right, plus you can use them as decorative wall hangings or dinner mats.

So, what’s in it for me?

Given that that it’s free and that I’m assuming all the costs and bearing all of the work involved…shouldn’t that be my question?

Are your podcasts designed to get me to do something?

Not at all. I look at you in much the same way I look at the government. The less you do out there in society, the better off we’ll all be.

How will I react to your podcasts.

More than likely with pity.

I’d like to listen to your podcasts, John, but I don’t have an iPod or other portable listening device. Will you be providing free iPods and earbuds?

Not at this time.

Are you the Antichrist, John?

No.

But if you were the Antichrist and I asked you if you were the Antichrist, wouldn’t your answer be “no”…since the Antichrist is an evil liar?

Well played. But if I really wasn’t the Antichrist, and you asked me if I was the Antichrist, my answer would honestly be “no.”

Touché, but I’m still concerned that you might be the son of perdition.

Okay look, the Antichrist will be, at least initially, a very charismatic personality. Nearly everyone will like him. I, on the other hand, am instinctively disliked by people. There’s a website that convicted child molesters can go to, to see if I live in their neighborhood. I came forward at the altar call of a Billy Graham Crusade once, and two of Billy’s security dragged me back to my seat. Cults won’t even come to my house. If I want to talk to a Jehovah Witness, I have to go down to a Kingdom Hall. I called Pappa John’s the other night to have a pizza delivered, and they gave me another number to call…Domino’s. Before Anthony Weiner sent pictures of his penis to women, he sent them pictures of me. I had a flat tire once and called the Auto Club. The guy came out and shot out the other three tires. I can’t possibly be the Antichrist.

Can you listen to these podcasts straight from a computer?

Yes.

I don’t currently have a computer. Will you be supplying free laptops and headphones so we can hear your podcasts?

Not at this time.

How often will you provide us with a new podcast.

For the first couple of weeks just one podcast.  Generally, podcasts last 48 to 72 hours before they go bad. So, I will, eventually,be offering two podcasts a week, every Monday and Thursday.

Thursday is not good for me. How about Mondays and Fridays?

You can listen to it on Friday, but it will be available on Thursday.

Won’t it be a little “picked over” by the time I get to it.

I won’t lie to you-

You would if you were the Antichrist.

But I’m not. Anyway, yes, there will be some noticeable wilting on the edges of the podcast by Friday. By Saturday brown spots and increased wilting will appear. By Sunday black blotches will be noticeable along with blood spotting. By late Sunday night it will be infested with mites. WARNING! DO NOT LISTEN TO A THURSDAY POCAST AFTER SATURDAY NIGHT!

I already have tuberculosis. Can I listen to it on Sunday?

Yes.

Who else is on these podcasts with you?

Just me, for the time being.

Just you?

Yes.

Hmmm.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing…just thinking out loud. So, let me get this straight. Two podcasts a week, they’re free, and you’re not the Antichrist?

That is correct.

And you’re not asking anything of me?

I would ask you to tell your friends and family about my podcasts. Is that something you would be willing to do?

Not at this time.

Well, excellent questions, everyone! Now, all you have to do to do is carve three upside down nines on your forehead and start downloading my first podcast on Monday July 25^th.

Thank you for visiting my site. God Bless,

John London

(I meant…God bless John London, not you. Oh, okay…God bless you, too)